My saying that i am bad is a proclamation, and not an attempt to grab attention. In a world that often celebrates success, achievement, and perfection, it is difficult to acknowledge one’s own shortcomings and admit when we fall short. But i feel it is alright to accept oneself as they are without having to explain themselves, as long as the rationale behind the actions is morally sound.

I remember a few years back, Shubham came to me and announced that he was a Machiavellian because of some personality test he took online—which showed his results to be in the ‘dark range’– stating that he was 30% darker than the average person. I said that it was fine, and what one does with the trait is more important. After all, in a way, all motivational speakers, leaders, and influencers are manipulators! I went on to add, that so were the teachers. I know how often we influence students with our false confidence and convince them of their potential and assure that they can, even if we know it’s unlikely. To try to show him how these tests didn’t mean anything, i too took the same test. But my results came out to be some 11% lighter than the rest, and had a harder time telling him not to take it too seriously.

This was within a year of when we had lost Abhay. Till then, i had lived a sheltered life. I hadn’t  taken many important decisions, was ignorant, and had not faced life as it is… hard. I remember a cousin always asking me to break free from the good girl trap, and i always wondered which trap, never understanding that being a people pleaser is bad for ones own self-esteem.

In the ensuing years i have become a bit of a badass, and i can feel it in my bones. Not long ago, during the pandemic, I messed something up related to our system for online classes, and had to bring it to my Principal’s attention. It was quite a catastrophic mistake, and i was truly sorry for what i had done, but it wasn’t deliberate, and i was trying something new. My Principal was furious and asked how could i? Though apologetic, my response to her was because i was trying, and it was a new mistake. At least i didn’t repeat any of those committed in the past. The earlier version of me would have kept feeling bad and cried and tried to hide behind an excuse. The bad me is okay accepting her mistakes, learning from them and moving on. If embracing  our imperfections is bad, then i am!

Likewise, i am not okay with accepting things unquestioningly at face value and expect a proper explanation. Recently, while buying a few home appliances, the floor manager at a big outlet asked one of the present financiers to give me the best quote as a huge favour. I asked another financier to give me a quote as well, compared the two thoroughly, and made my decision. The earlier me would have meekly accepted what was on offer without exploring much. Being bad is not only liberating but also beneficial.

As a parent i have stood my ground and not succumbed to pressure from Shubham and people around to ensure that he is what he dreamt to be. I remember him questioning me how could i do as i pleased as a mother, and i told him that i very well could as i didn’t need his seal of approval for me to be a good mother, and knew what was right for him.

Recently i took the same test again, and i was earnestly pleased. As per the result, now i am just 7% lighter than the rest, and my biggest negative trait came out to be a narcissist (35%). This tells me that i have started prioritizing myself, believe in self-care and self-love. And most importantly, i am aware of my self-worth and appreciative of my achievements. I have also learnt to stand my ground and not wilt under pressure and take things as they are instead of hiding in a bubble of disillusion. It also makes me more confident to accept being bad… Boy, am i not glad!!